When someone is walking through a journey of healing from Ritual Abuse and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). There is often an inner conversation or meeting that goes on about different decisions. In most cases, people do not pay attention to this because the main presenting person has full control and can ignore those feelings of disagreement about something you’re about to do. In a typical person, this may be that day you go visit a new group of people and inside there is that voice that says…. “No, don’t go! They may not like you! Remember the last time?”
However, when someone has a more severe case of DID they will walk into a place that reminds them of something from their past and it will trigger parts under the surface to feel scared and afraid and in some case these parts will come to the surface and take control to get away from the situations that cause them fear. I kind of fall somewhere between those two, I have parts who really want to leave, but in most cases, my Spirit is strong enough and my main altars are strong enough to say, “No, we are staying, we will be fine.”
For years, I did this and ignored those inner voices just placing them as being fear or if ya want to put it in your good ol religious terms, the accuser of the brethren. However, more recently, I have learned in this time of healing that those parts of me really need to be heard and honored. This Story is an example of walking through one of those moments in my life.
Saturday Night Worship
I’ve been so missing corporate worship and fellowship so tonight I decided to visit a local church that meets Saturday night. This church is definitely not your typical church. People smoke vapes during service and they hang out till midnight. Lots of the unwanted or rejected come to this place and find a family. The pastor has a heart for people like this and will oftentimes one by one disciple them and love on them. Sometimes the people he meets, he first connects with them in the local bars or even when he runs security at some places that are not so highly looked upon by other churches. These are the places he goes because these are the people that truly need Jesus. So I have a lot of respect for the guy and his heart for our city.
Tonight, I came with high expectations of worshiping Jesus with some crazy fun worshipers. As worship started I really enjoyed the first song and began to step in and sing in the spirit, yet some of the littles inside me (younger alters) became scared and triggered by the noise and how crowded the room was. Me (Ember) as the presenter wanted to ignore it and just worship anyway, but I felt the Lord gently speak that I needed to honor the ones inside that felt uncomfortable. I then felt this really strong desire to go sit outside, I knew it was from God. This church was riverfront across from a city. Walking out I saw a swing right in front of the river and was drawn there.
Climbing onto this swing made me feel like a kid because my short legs barely touched the ground. I felt the sweet cool breeze hit my face as suddenly the Father opened a beautiful gift before me. Exploding lights of red, white, and blue illuminated the sky and river below. It felt like it was just given to this audience of me and His little ones. The little one who was so afraid inside grew excited as we watched the beautiful fireworks from the nearby baseball game at the island nearby. As we all enjoyed this show, I heard Father’s soft voice reminding me of how much more I have enjoyed just those worship times with him in my quiet place and that this is exactly His favorite times with me. “One on One, Just you and Me, that is my favorite time with you, it is your gift to me.” Honestly, I am realizing, those are my favorite times with Him too. Suddenly, I no longer felt disappointed about leaving but a great sense of peace knowing that my Father was enjoying this time with me even more and all the little ones were too as there Heavenly Father had given us something special to enjoy with Him tonight.
A Little Bit More about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)
I have learned that in each of us are parts (littles, altars, and/or fragments) that come from those moments in our lives where something happened that caused our hearts to break or when we experience trauma. There are several places in scripture that talks about this. For example in Isaiah 61, it talks about binding up the broken-hearted. This Broken Heart can also be interpreted to say, Shabar or to shatter. I don’t believe you have to be a victim of abuse to experience this shattering of the heart. Often time the world moves on and doesn’t even recognize they had this happen. To a typical person, it looks like a sudden fear response to something that caused you trauma in the past. For example, some people have fear responses to dogs, water, elevators, thunder. Often times when someone is around those things that caused trauma in the past they will disassociate and not even know it. Sometimes it looks like a fight or flight reflex where the person may run from what they fear, or they may jump, or have an angry reaction towards the situation or act differently than normal.
A friend of mine gave a great example of someone who every year when her family would go on vacation, her husband would start acting bratty like a grumpy kid. He would get very short tempered and oftentimes would be miserable the entire vacation. After several years of this, she finally asked the Lord for insight and healing. God gave her insight to ask him to allow the Lord to show him where this started. As he did the Lord brought him back to a vacation while he was a child where they had a really bad vacation and something really bad happened. There were then able to deal with the child who was experiencing those emotions and pain from what happen in that vacation and have God take away the bad emotions and heal the wound inside this younger child part of her husband. After this experience, her husband no longer had this bad reaction when they would go on vacations.
The above was an example of a simple technique that works in some cases but not every situation is the same. Sometimes when a person has been ritually abused or there are very traumatic situations there can also be the demonic involved or there may be times that a part may never feel comfortable in certain situations. In these cases, we need to respect those parts and honor how they feel. You see these parts of a person’s soul are just as much human and deserving of respect as the main core of the person. Often times these parts are the ones who have carried the pain and painful memories for the person for a long time. They are not always the nicest but they have protected the main person from experiencing that pain on a daily basis by carrying it for them.
I have learned that sometimes these altars that I like to call littles inside me are very young and scared. They will often times experience a great deal of fear in places that have too many people. In the past, I would just stuff this fear and go anyway. Although there are times, I don’t have a choice. I am learning in this time of healing, there are times I do, and I need to listen to them and honor their desire to not be in those crowded places. One of my biggest struggles has been, I am a worshiper and I love to worship. Being up front in a crowd and leading worship or singing is not scary at all to me.
Honestly, most of my littles are cool with it too. One time I was leading worship for a retreat I had a little one come up and worship. Thankfully, only a few noticed my voice changed. However, if you stick me in the middle of that same crowded room, surrounded by people, my anxiety goes through the roof. Yeah… I know weird right.
DID I can look different in everyone. Some lose track of time when different parts come up. This is often times because parts do not share the same consciousness. There are also some people who most of their parts are co-conscious and even when different parts are at the surface the other parts get to know what is happening and see and hear too sometimes. For the most part, my alters are co-conscious. However, I do have some that do not know Jesus yet and are not co-conscious with the rest. Thankfully mostly these alters only come up during times I am getting healing or at night when I get attacked. I am a work in progress and Jesus is slowly one by one meeting each of these parts and getting them set free. As time goes on some of these parts become integrated together but some remain independent as I believe Jesus gives them each a free will to decide when they are ready.
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