Out of the Shadows


The heaviness of the recent events of the last couple weeks from the recent news of people coming forward with sexual abuse allegations against people in the public eye and also a leader in my circle of friends has been very triggering and painful to watch. Although I didn’t want to watch it, it was still all over social media and the news continuously reached me whether I wanted it to or not. Often times like many other survivors repressed memories of sexual abuse and ritual abuse can easily be triggered by things on social media as well as the news. It is hard or sometimes impossible to stop a memory from coming up. Like many others who have gone through trauma, each repressed memory is attached to a portion of my soul who was created through the trauma. These portions are called Alters and carry the memories, emotions, and a fully separate personality which remains in hiding in a place of captivity until they are triggered or come up through prayer.


Her name was Shadow, she was a 10-year old alter in our system and was to remain in the shadows and report things she heard back to the bad guys. After being heavily triggered by painful emotions of recent events in our nation, our friend Matt asked for the Lord to bring up any alters from inside who may have information about what we were dealing with. Quickly Shadow came up from deep inside and said, “I am not allowed to talk, only listen and report back.” She was hiding in the shadows inside us listening and reporting back to the bad guys’ everything she heard. She said she did this because that was what Grandma wanted her to do and if she didn’t she would get punished. With these words the following traumatic memory surfaced.

Trigger Warning:  If you are triggered easily please skip the next two paragraphs.


Her Grandmother told her to go and play in the tool shed. As a child, this was one of her favorite places to play. There were outside toys and garden tools and all kinds of interesting trinkets and statues and decorations that were to be explored. She often-times found this place fascinating. However this time, Grandma closed the door and locked it. She told me we were playing a game where I had to stay inside and be quiet and listen carefully. At first, she was frightened but there was a light in there and quickly found herself fully immersed in her exploration of the toolshed and forgetting the world outside.

Using a table nearby she found an old-fashioned toy truck and began playing with great joy not aware that her Grandfather had just entered the shed. The next 10 minutes were painful but a bit of a blur as he whispered trigger words into her ear to cause her to go into a passive position in order to use her body for his purposes. She felt her body shifted she felt the pain of her head and face hitting the wall of the shed and yet no tears or cries were heard. The programming words “Sally, be silent” continued to play through her head as she lost all ability to cry or speak. It was as if with those words she was separated from her body and was taken inside into this silent place of hiding that she was found listening.


As Matt prayed for freedom over her, the Lord came as the Lion of Judah into that hiding place with her and removed the programming that silenced her and the demonic that oppressed her. With this, the heavy emotions and anger began to surface. Slowly she began to cry for the first time in 30 years. Slowly the Lord released the truth that Jesus died and took our grief and sorrow on the cross so that we didn’t have to carry it and that she didn’t even have to make an effort to give it to him, but all she had to do was give him permission to take it and she would feel better. It was a slow process as at first, she didn’t want to let go. She needed and wanted time to process the pain and the anger of what had just happened. The feelings caused heavy pain inside including body memories that would surface over the next few days as slowly she gave the Lord permission to take it away, layer by layer and for the first time in 30 years she could speak and have a choice. He also gave her a new name, Sonshine.


It took a few nights for Sonshine to heal as sometimes it takes time for all the painful emotions and memories to calm down. During the night and when I fell asleep this little one would wake up crying or scared over and over again with memories and feelings of being attacked. Finally, around 2am, I was able to get her into a safe place with God that I could go back to sleep. That morning I woke up to a dream and although this dream was painful, I believe it is a commission as well as something that little Sonshine was doing in the spirit while I was sleeping.

She was running frantically all over the place and uncovering human remains of people that were buried in the ground. Some were hearts, some were lungs, some were livers and kidneys. Each time she began to weep over what she found. There was never a clear identity or a name to go with these organs but as she would weep she would begin to see their story and identity. As their spirit was still there in a place of silent captivity. When this happens one by one she began to speak life and hope to them.  

Although she couldn’t prevent their suffering she could lead them to the Lion of Judah who would weep with them, roar over their injustice, set them free from their captivity, and take them away from their spiritual prisons. My heart rejoices because I realized, just like Sonshine, God is bringing hope to those who are hidden in silence and captivity. As I woke up, the Lord spoke into my heart that by sharing my story, not only do I get to experience deeper healing, but it brings hope and a voice to those who cannot.

Many have been deeply saddened by recent events with sexual abuse and people coming forward about sexual abuse that happened years ago. I purposely did not watch any of it because it is too triggering for me. However, I still heard many arguments back and forth related to the whole subject. I do not have an opinion to give on it because I purposely couldn’t go there. However, I will share this. I was abused at a very early age, and my abusers I believe also at one point were abused, I also know that when the abuse happened I was programmed to forget it. My first memory of sexual abuse happened at the age of 38. Can I provide physical evidence for my abuse? No. Can someone come out and say I am a liar? Yes and unfortunately some people sadly have. Does it change what I experienced? No, those memories were as real to me as the day I experienced it.

My reason for sharing about my abuse has nothing to do with exposing or shaming the people who abused me. My reason is to expose the darkness to the Light of God. Justice truly comes not in the punishment, but rather everytime someone gets set free from this darkness and it no longer has any power over them.

Every time, those who were once deeply woven into the darkness, expose it to the Light of God. It is like an explosion that removes its power not just over them, but also over what they have authority over. The Lion of Judah is roaring over His Creation. He has come to bring freedom to those who are captive. He is healing them from the inside out. He is reminding them of the powerful people they are.

I share this because I know there are so many who cannot share and many who do not even know or understand this journey.  We can walk through this and be warriors and victors. I also believe those that chose to be vulnerable can be a voice and a sign that there is hope to those who can’t.

I would like to ask for your prayers and support as I begin to write and share my journey. If you would like to sow into seeing this story shared. We can use your prayers as well as financial support. As I am keeping my identity hidden for the safety of my family, I would encourage you to give to the person who has been working full-time with me as well as co-writing the book with me, Matt Evans.  

Donations can be given through Matt Evans website:


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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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Kingdom Within – Survivors Journey

There once was a girl who had many kingdoms deep inside. Her heart was filled with beauty and her joyful song brought hope to life. Yet deep inside this kingdom, another kingdom dwelt. A kingdom of darkness that was hidden well. The people of this kingdom dwelt deep inside her life. She didn’t know of its existence, yet something felt painful from deep inside.

No matter how hard she tried to smile and pray, the darkness still had a hold. She cried out for freedom, but yet she did not know this kingdom or its stronghold. For many years she worked hard to see the beauty of God’s goodness within. She walked in intimacy with her heavenly Father and her identity grew deep into Him. A deep peace came in these times, as healing came to layer after layer. God’s glory and His goodness showed great fruit in her life. Yet in His sweet gentle voice, her Heavenly Father would reveal, there was something deeper that had to be revealed.

Buried down in a deep well of darkness, parts of her screamed out to be heard. What this darkness contain were many young parts of her frozen in memories of great trauma and fear. The darkness was like a cloak, covered and locked where no one could see them inside. She didn’t know of its existence but slowly the Father began to allow it to be revealed. He said to her,

“My daughter, this is that deeper place I want to reveal. For the enemy has made it his stronghold for much too long, my dear. Every place there is a stronghold deep inside of you is a place where my Glory is about to breakthrough.

This isn’t going to be easy and it may be painful at times. Will you take this journey with me? Come and see, I have won your freedom and the enemy has no place he can hide. For these kingdoms of darkness have contained places where the enemy has had his reign. He has held your family in bondage and he thinks he has everything he needs to keep it contained. He has held birth rites and rituals over your family for centuries it has been well hidden so that no one could see.

This isn’t going to be a battle that will be fought in just a few hours or days. This is a war for victory for some it may take many years. Many will not understand this journey you’re about to go on, for it isn’t easy and there may be days where it will feel hard to move on. Yet as you hold on to me, you will see the Victory and I will make you strong.”

As the weeks went on my sleep turned from dreams of destiny to something dark and painful inside. For something was just revealed and it came to light. With it was memories of pain that I had no idea were inside and with them came parts of me that were focused on death and were on the enemies side. These parts were often young but fought at me with a great blow. Sometimes the witchcraft was so strong, they would take over my consciousness and leave me in the shadows. They sometimes held the memories that caused my thoughts to grow darker. Deep inside I cried, “Father, what is happening to me?” Yet in the midst of this darkness, I would hear His voice telling me I am becoming free.

With the help of the ones I love surrounding me on every side, slowly I saw the darkness fall away from their eyes and they discovered Jesus was there inside. Jesus and the Father would meet with them one by one. Sometimes he would set free many and sometimes he would fight long and hard just for the one.

Many questioned why I would allow this to continue. Why don’t you just shut those alters down, but slowly I learned these parts of me carries these wounds and the darkness so that I could continue to live well. They were the ones who were tortured and abused. They were the ones who were sent through rituals of rape and sodomy starting at the early age of two. Many were broken by the idea that they had no choice but to believe that they were created to be witches and monsters inside and in the spirit. They would go to places that many never even knew were there. They would perform rituals that made there life a living hell.

Many would ask me well how could this be you? You are a believer and you have the kingdom of God inside of you. Well yes, that is very true. I have been a Christian since I was 12 years old, but even in a believer, the darkness can still have its hold. Most of the people that are used in these rituals are not something we see in a physical realm but hidden in a realm where angels and demons dwell. It is there that they are used beyond what they know. For all this time, I was journeying with God, parts of me were working to bring darkness to this earth.

Yet, when Jesus began to meet with each and every part, he didn’t hold this against them, because He knew there destiny was still inside. Each part even the ones who were violent he would meet. Sometimes the fight would last for hours but when He came the demons had to flee. Gently He would come and show them the truth. As they walked through the memories the pain would come up from deep inside, sometimes my entire body would feel the pain that they carried, yet with it came a freedom and the structures were torn down and Jesus would dwell in those hidden places of my life. He would patiently sit with them and hold them together when it hurt so bad. Gently he is freeing me and they are seeing His Love is stronger than everything that is so bad.

If I shared every memory and every place that I have been, many couldn’t listen because of the deep pain they carry with them. However, it isn’t the memories that contain the story. It truly is the Victory and ability to see so many parts of me become free. For you see this journey isn’t just about me and God against the enemy. Many parts of me were trafficked both in the spirit and on the earth and many others are still needing set free.

Many think that for a Christian to have demons is a lie. However, I want you to know. Darkness is there and we are the ones who can bring the light. You see many think that you should focus on goodness only. We should turn our faces from the bad stuff and only bring God’s Glory. Well, I am here to tell you…We are here to bring His Glory and His Light, but if you’re not willing to go take it into the darkness then your not really building His Kingdom and you are not ready to fight. His kingdom isn’t just something that dwells on this physical earth. It dwells in the hearts of man and it dwells in the spirit and it is there where parts of us can be in captivity and help in darkness even while we dwell on this earth. For Isaiah 61 isn’t just about earthly jails and captivity it is about the places where parts of you need set free. This journey for me is about setting parts of me free, but it is also about healing the brokenness and setting many free.


Photo by Céderic Vandenberghe on Unsplash

Photo by Talles Alves on Unsplash


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