A Gift Inside

This afternoon, after a long day of baking cookies with my kiddos, I attempted to take a long needed nap. Although my Body was ready to sleep, I became quite aware of a party going on inside with parts from my system. If you don’t know what I am talking about, please check out my first couple posts to understand what having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is like. (Here is one of those posts.)

Suddenly, I heard as clear as day the sounds of laughter and delights as I turned inward to see young littles (alters) dressed up in pretty Christmas colors and tinsel in their hair. Pumpkin was wearing silvery glitter in a ponytail and Cosmos was wearing red sparkly bows in her two little pigtails. Some of the older girls had comfy red and white PJs with fluffy white sweaters and red socks. Yet everyone was warm and happy and Papa God was having fun with his brand new red fluffy socks that there girls have given him.



The kids were all excited for today, yet I had no idea what was going on. As I turned my head to listen, I realized, in the garden of my heart, there was a Christmas Party going on. 

There was a warm Fire in the fireplace, and warm hot chocolate for everyone attending. There were kids opening Christmas presents, and others making presents for all their friends. Some had colorful paints and they were making pretty paintings. Others were decorating the trees in the garden and even decorating the Angels and the Lion. Kids were laughing and I could hear our Papa God laughing, too. Some of the girls were braiding the Lion’s mane with tinsel and ribbons and warm fluffy scarves. 

Little Cosmos who is 4 climbed on Papa’s lap where he was sitting with her quietly. Snuggling close into his arms, she whispered in his ear, “Is there a gift that could be given to my friends?”

The Father turned and said to her, “whatever your heart imagines, we can create together.” 

Suddenly we saw this beautiful gift coming together inside her imagination and mine. It was this beautiful ball, that was like an iridescent pearl but yet it bounced like rubber. The Glory of the King was contained inside and it shined like the northern lights with every color you could imagine it shined and danced.


It also did something amazing that I never saw anything like it in those world. If she would sing into it, it came alive with the beauty of each child. It was still the Glory of God inside it that shown through it but suddenly it was unique because the uniqueness of every child shined through it too. As each child held it and sang into it, it was like the ball would come alive, it released a sound and light that danced all the way to the stars and back. With if all creation responded and could dance too. Suddenly I realized this ball wasn’t just a toy or something pretty for us to look at. It was an instrument that carried the Father’s glory and our voice made it come alive, with the words and songs that each child carried. For as they sang there stories in song, it’s words were carried out, it not only created something beautiful, it released a sound that even the stars and God’s creation responded too. 

My heart rejoices with Cosmos at this amazing idea she had inside. Then the Father took her to the water, where beautiful jewels where contained inside. Putting her hands into the water and pulling up the stones below, the Father put his hands around hers, and something inside them formed and began to grow. Colors of Green, Red, Turquoise and Blue Of every shape and size, were created and made for every child, to be given this to them this Christmas Night. Some were really neat as she put them on strings and turned them into pretty jewelry. Yet when you held them in your hands, they would grow into something much larger to see. 

I then saw her ask Papa what could be done to give these gifts to her friends, He said he would give them, each one of those in need and with them came great warmth and healing  in what they sing. 

So this is our Christmas gift to you my friends, weather you are lonely or surrounded by family and friends. You are loved by the King and you are loved by us. May this gift from our heart be something you can experience in your hearts. His love, and His joy, and His creation does sing. Your voice is a part of it and it brings great joy in what He brings. So ask the Father if this gift is for you. It comes from his heart and our heart too. Close your eyes and open your hands, Sing a little song, and feel his warm hands. Look at what appears with your imagination and your song, it’s a beautiful dance that with the Father you can dance along. 

Merry Christmas to all. You are loved my friends!

A Whale of a Survivors Tale

What are tails?… Yes, they are a part of a whale, but a tale is also a picture of a story that can be true or false. I believe many tales or even fairy tales are stories that have been told over and over throughout history but oftentimes can get told differently depending on the perspective of the storyteller. I would like to share some recent revelation that has been on my heart in relation to perspectives on healing and redemption of survivors.

I have found recently, through my healing journey, that I have come to have a special love for the cult-loyal alters (sometimes called persecutor parts) inside the hearts of survivors of ritual abuse. You may ask, Why I would love someone who is connected to so much evil? Because, for one, I used to be a cult-loyal alter inside the heart of someone who loves God. I hated God, and I hated everyone inside our heart – including her. In fact, my name was Ender because I wanted to end her. I got freedom because someone chose to love me despite my programmed destructive desires and saw beyond my intentions to the heart of who I am – and they loved me enough to get me free.

For many survivors, the cult-loyal alters are the ones who are oftentimes treated like demons or like they are worthless. Truly however, these parts are deep, beautiful treasures who have suffered the most so the person on the surface could continue to live a normal life. They are deeply loved by the Father and oftentimes have amazing gifting.

img_1999Recently, a sweet friend who is a survivor shared a picture of this beautiful whale that a cult-loyal part inside her had painted. This image of the whale suddenly began a download from the Lord about her destiny (inside my friend) as well as that of others, including myself, who have walked similar journeys. She has given me permission to share this image as well as what I shared with her about the symbolism of these beautiful creatures:


The first story I was reminded of when she showed me her picture was one I read about a marine biologist and a humpback whale. The whale pushing her out to sea which was very painful because of his size and the barnacles that cut her skin. She had no choice but to follow it. She knew the whale didn’t want to kill her, but she also knew she couldn’t get away. Long story short, this whale was rescuing her from a very dangerous predator. If she had stayed in the water where they were or even swam away towards the boat, a very large, dangerous tiger shark would have probably had her for lunch. (Here is the original post)

I think this is a beautiful and yet sometimes painful picture of redemption. God will often times send help for situations we don’t understand. We can either fight against it or trust him even when it gets tough and painful. I don’t believe God is the author of – or even desires for us to suffer – pain. Yet, he knows that sometimes, what is needed is not always going to feel nice. I look at my own children: sometimes they put themselves in places that can be painful or dangerous, and even the process of getting them free can hurt a bit. Yet, I still do it. (All I can say is – Splinters in the feet, ouch!)


The Lord then began to speak to me about how this relates so much to the story of Jonah. Here was a man who was called by God to go and rescue a whole race of people who could symbolically be the same as the occult and my abusers. They had intentions of harming and hurting others, yet God sent Jonah to help them. He ran the other way. Who wouldn’t want to? I would like to propose that his running was deeper then just fear, but could have come out of a place of pain in facing what brought so much pain to his people. Yet, God loved them.

I see in the story of Jonah another story of redemption that doesn’t seem very pretty. Even when Jonah made choices to run away, God always provided a way for redemption though never forcing him to take it. Jonah asked for help, and He – always present – helped him. Yet, Jonah called the one thing God sent to rescue him “Sheol.” He looked at his salvation as something painful and terrible.

I do not believe God wanted Jonah to suffer, but I also believe God knew it would take a whale to rescue him from the depths of the sea, to deliver him back to where he needed to be.

So many of us who are survivors feel overwhelmed by the darkness of what is hidden inside. Many cannot face it or do not face it because it is too painful. Even the process of getting free can feel traumatizing. For that reason, many walk away and stuff it down, but they often times suffer physically, spiritually, and emotionally. They often see the way of getting free like the whale: Sheol. Don’t get me wrong… it can feel like it. But when we step back and see the bigger picture, we will see something bigger is happening.

I also look at how many people in the body of Christ will not even help survivors because it just seems too dangerous to face. They are also fighting the idea of facing those things that often come up internally along the way. Yet, I believe God is rescuing the Jonahs and sending whales to rescue those who are lost. Not just the Jonahs, but the Ninevites. So many survivors, internally, have cult-loyal alters as well as people in their family who are still connected to the occult – who seem like they only want to destroy or hurt people. Yet, God loves these people too. He is calling his Children to rise up out of that ocean of death and to be a part of redemption.

Sometimes, something that is good for us can feel or even look like hell. For example, I am a mom; those veggies are good for you, but can taste terrible to my kids. And, my hair in the morning, “Lord Jesus, help me!” It looks terrible and can be a pain in the butt, but I am thankful I have it. The enemy often twists our perceptions of what God is using to bring healing and redemption. Suddenly, our healing journey looks like Sheol and we run away from it.

As a survivor at the beginning, the idea of getting whole seemed hard and long and even, at times, impossible. The idea of rescuing and healing everyone inside seemed overwhelming. My idea back then of getting free was to get all the parts healed and integrated. I had no idea how different this journey would be. When my goal was to be whole and at peace, it seemed impossible. Yet, when I began to embrace this journey no matter how hard or long it was and to focus on the factor that I had many people inside, as well as other people I was connected to, and that I got to be a part of their redemption, discovering new things about us inside as well as the others, I slowly began to see it differently. This journey, no matter how hard it is and no matter how painful it can be at times, has been so worth it – not just for my redemption, but also for the redemption of the parts of people who have been in places of captivity due to their choices or their family’s choices. I have found that as we work through breaking agreement and rescuing parts, we have been dis-empowering these principalities, powers, and spiritual structures that are not just attached to me, but to many, including my abusers and a lot of God’s creation.

This goes right with Romans 8:18-25 AMP

For I consider [from the standpoint of faith] that the sufferings of the present life are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us! For [even the whole] creation [all nature] waits eagerly for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration and futility, not willingly [because of some intentional fault on its part], but by the will of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will also be freed from its bondage to decay [and gain entrance] into the glorious freedom of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been moaning together as in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only this, but we too, who have the first fruits of the Spirit [a joyful indication of the blessings to come], even we groan inwardly, as we wait eagerly for [the sign of] our adoption as sons—the redemption and transformation of our body [at the resurrection]. For in this hope we were saved [by faith]. But hope [the object of] which is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait eagerly for it with patience and composure.

Creation has been groaning for freedom from the torment it experiences from the choices men have made throughout history. Even look at the picture of the seas in Jonah. It was angry and working against man – because of Jonah’s choice.

If you are a survivor and you are working towards freedom…. Thank you. You are a warrior that many don’t see, but your work is powerful – not just for you, but for your family as well. You are making a difference for all creation. I want to encourage you, you are making a difference even when it seems painful and hard. Keep fighting and know that God is for you and not against you. He is preparing a table for you in the presence of the enemy.

If you are someone who is helping a survivor, you are doing the same, and the treasure and fruit of loving and supporting a survivor far outweighs the hard times. I am so thankful for the quiet ones who have stood beside me and many other of my survivor friends and have not given up the fight even when it got hard.

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