Out of the Shadows

 

The heaviness of the recent events of the last couple weeks from the recent news of people coming forward with sexual abuse allegations against people in the public eye and also a leader in my circle of friends has been very triggering and painful to watch. Although I didn’t want to watch it, it was still all over social media and the news continuously reached me whether I wanted it to or not. Often times like many other survivors repressed memories of sexual abuse and ritual abuse can easily be triggered by things on social media as well as the news. It is hard or sometimes impossible to stop a memory from coming up. Like many others who have gone through trauma, each repressed memory is attached to a portion of my soul who was created through the trauma. These portions are called Alters and carry the memories, emotions, and a fully separate personality which remains in hiding in a place of captivity until they are triggered or come up through prayer.

 

Her name was Shadow, she was a 10-year old alter in our system and was to remain in the shadows and report things she heard back to the bad guys. After being heavily triggered by painful emotions of recent events in our nation, our friend Matt asked for the Lord to bring up any alters from inside who may have information about what we were dealing with. Quickly Shadow came up from deep inside and said, “I am not allowed to talk, only listen and report back.” She was hiding in the shadows inside us listening and reporting back to the bad guys’ everything she heard. She said she did this because that was what Grandma wanted her to do and if she didn’t she would get punished. With these words the following traumatic memory surfaced.

Trigger Warning:  If you are triggered easily please skip the next two paragraphs.

THE TOOLSHED:

Her Grandmother told her to go and play in the tool shed. As a child, this was one of her favorite places to play. There were outside toys and garden tools and all kinds of interesting trinkets and statues and decorations that were to be explored. She often-times found this place fascinating. However this time, Grandma closed the door and locked it. She told me we were playing a game where I had to stay inside and be quiet and listen carefully. At first, she was frightened but there was a light in there and quickly found herself fully immersed in her exploration of the toolshed and forgetting the world outside.

Using a table nearby she found an old-fashioned toy truck and began playing with great joy not aware that her Grandfather had just entered the shed. The next 10 minutes were painful but a bit of a blur as he whispered trigger words into her ear to cause her to go into a passive position in order to use her body for his purposes. She felt her body shifted she felt the pain of her head and face hitting the wall of the shed and yet no tears or cries were heard. The programming words “Sally, be silent” continued to play through her head as she lost all ability to cry or speak. It was as if with those words she was separated from her body and was taken inside into this silent place of hiding that she was found listening.

SHADOW TO SONSHINE:

As Matt prayed for freedom over her, the Lord came as the Lion of Judah into that hiding place with her and removed the programming that silenced her and the demonic that oppressed her. With this, the heavy emotions and anger began to surface. Slowly she began to cry for the first time in 30 years. Slowly the Lord released the truth that Jesus died and took our grief and sorrow on the cross so that we didn’t have to carry it and that she didn’t even have to make an effort to give it to him, but all she had to do was give him permission to take it and she would feel better. It was a slow process as at first, she didn’t want to let go. She needed and wanted time to process the pain and the anger of what had just happened. The feelings caused heavy pain inside including body memories that would surface over the next few days as slowly she gave the Lord permission to take it away, layer by layer and for the first time in 30 years she could speak and have a choice. He also gave her a new name, Sonshine.

THE DREAM:

It took a few nights for Sonshine to heal as sometimes it takes time for all the painful emotions and memories to calm down. During the night and when I fell asleep this little one would wake up crying or scared over and over again with memories and feelings of being attacked. Finally, around 2am, I was able to get her into a safe place with God that I could go back to sleep. That morning I woke up to a dream and although this dream was painful, I believe it is a commission as well as something that little Sonshine was doing in the spirit while I was sleeping.

She was running frantically all over the place and uncovering human remains of people that were buried in the ground. Some were hearts, some were lungs, some were livers and kidneys. Each time she began to weep over what she found. There was never a clear identity or a name to go with these organs but as she would weep she would begin to see their story and identity. As their spirit was still there in a place of silent captivity. When this happens one by one she began to speak life and hope to them.  

Although she couldn’t prevent their suffering she could lead them to the Lion of Judah who would weep with them, roar over their injustice, set them free from their captivity, and take them away from their spiritual prisons. My heart rejoices because I realized, just like Sonshine, God is bringing hope to those who are hidden in silence and captivity. As I woke up, the Lord spoke into my heart that by sharing my story, not only do I get to experience deeper healing, but it brings hope and a voice to those who cannot.

Many have been deeply saddened by recent events with sexual abuse and people coming forward about sexual abuse that happened years ago. I purposely did not watch any of it because it is too triggering for me. However, I still heard many arguments back and forth related to the whole subject. I do not have an opinion to give on it because I purposely couldn’t go there. However, I will share this. I was abused at a very early age, and my abusers I believe also at one point were abused, I also know that when the abuse happened I was programmed to forget it. My first memory of sexual abuse happened at the age of 38. Can I provide physical evidence for my abuse? No. Can someone come out and say I am a liar? Yes and unfortunately some people sadly have. Does it change what I experienced? No, those memories were as real to me as the day I experienced it.

My reason for sharing about my abuse has nothing to do with exposing or shaming the people who abused me. My reason is to expose the darkness to the Light of God. Justice truly comes not in the punishment, but rather everytime someone gets set free from this darkness and it no longer has any power over them.

Every time, those who were once deeply woven into the darkness, expose it to the Light of God. It is like an explosion that removes its power not just over them, but also over what they have authority over. The Lion of Judah is roaring over His Creation. He has come to bring freedom to those who are captive. He is healing them from the inside out. He is reminding them of the powerful people they are.

I share this because I know there are so many who cannot share and many who do not even know or understand this journey.  We can walk through this and be warriors and victors. I also believe those that chose to be vulnerable can be a voice and a sign that there is hope to those who can’t.

I would like to ask for your prayers and support as I begin to write and share my journey. If you would like to sow into seeing this story shared. We can use your prayers as well as financial support. As I am keeping my identity hidden for the safety of my family, I would encourage you to give to the person who has been working full-time with me as well as co-writing the book with me, Matt Evans.  

Donations can be given through Matt Evans website:

http://for-healingthenations.com/donate/

Helpful Suggestions:

Healing Captives in this world and that – Matt Evans

 

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Photo by Ray Grau on Unsplash

 

Little Me- Story about DID

When someone is walking through a journey of healing from Ritual Abuse and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). There is often an inner conversation or meeting that goes on about different decisions. In most cases, people do not pay attention to this because the main presenting person has full control and can ignore those feelings of disagreement about something you’re about to do. In a typical person, this may be that day you go visit a new group of people and inside there is that voice that says…. “No, don’t go! They may not like you! Remember the last time?”

However, when someone has a more severe case of DID they will walk into a place that reminds them of something from their past and it will trigger parts under the surface to feel scared and afraid and in some case these parts will come to the surface and take control to get away from the situations that cause them fear. I kind of fall somewhere between those two, I have parts who really want to leave, but in most cases, my Spirit is strong enough and my main altars are strong enough to say, “No, we are staying, we will be fine.”

For years, I did this and ignored those inner voices just placing them as being fear or if ya want to put it in your good ol religious terms, the accuser of the brethren. However, more recently, I have learned in this time of healing that those parts of me really need to be heard and honored. This Story is an example of walking through one of those moments in my life.

Saturday Night Worship
I’ve been so missing corporate worship and fellowship so tonight I decided to visit a local church that meets Saturday night. This church is definitely not your typical church. People smoke vapes during service and they hang out till midnight. Lots of the unwanted or rejected come to this place and find a family. The pastor has a heart for people like this and will oftentimes one by one disciple them and love on them. Sometimes the people he meets, he first connects with them in the local bars or even when he runs security at some places that are not so highly looked upon by other churches. These are the places he goes because these are the people that truly need Jesus. So I have a lot of respect for the guy and his heart for our city.

Tonight, I came with high expectations of worshiping Jesus with some crazy fun worshipers. As worship started I really enjoyed the first song and began to step in and sing in the spirit, yet some of the littles inside me (younger alters) became scared and triggered by the noise and how crowded the room was. Me (Ember) as the presenter wanted to ignore it and just worship anyway, but I felt the Lord gently speak that I needed to honor the ones inside that felt uncomfortable. I then felt this really strong desire to go sit outside, I knew it was from God. This church was riverfront across from a city. Walking out I saw a swing right in front of the river and was drawn there.

Climbing onto this swing made me feel like a kid because my short legs barely touched the ground. I felt the sweet cool breeze hit my face as suddenly the Father opened a beautiful gift before me. Exploding lights of red, white, and blue illuminated the sky and river below. It felt like it was just given to this audience of me and His little ones. The little one who was so afraid inside grew excited as we watched the beautiful fireworks from the nearby baseball game at the island nearby. As we all enjoyed this show, I heard Father’s soft voice reminding me of how much more I have enjoyed just those worship times with him in my quiet place and that this is exactly His favorite times with me. “One on One, Just you and Me, that is my favorite time with you, it is your gift to me.” Honestly, I am realizing, those are my favorite times with Him too. Suddenly, I no longer felt disappointed about leaving but a great sense of peace knowing that my Father was enjoying this time with me even more and all the little ones were too as there Heavenly Father had given us something special to enjoy with Him tonight.

A Little Bit More about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)
I have learned that in each of us are parts (littles, altars, and/or fragments) that come from those moments in our lives where something happened that caused our hearts to break or when we experience trauma. There are several places in scripture that talks about this. For example in Isaiah 61, it talks about binding up the broken-hearted. This Broken Heart can also be interpreted to say, Shabar or to shatter. I don’t believe you have to be a victim of abuse to experience this shattering of the heart. Often time the world moves on and doesn’t even recognize they had this happen. To a typical person, it looks like a sudden fear response to something that caused you trauma in the past. For example, some people have fear responses to dogs, water, elevators, thunder. Often times when someone is around those things that caused trauma in the past they will disassociate and not even know it. Sometimes it looks like a fight or flight reflex where the person may run from what they fear, or they may jump, or have an angry reaction towards the situation or act differently than normal.

A friend of mine gave a great example of someone who every year when her family would go on vacation, her husband would start acting bratty like a grumpy kid. He would get very short tempered and oftentimes would be miserable the entire vacation. After several years of this, she finally asked the Lord for insight and healing. God gave her insight to ask him to allow the Lord to show him where this started. As he did the Lord brought him back to a vacation while he was a child where they had a really bad vacation and something really bad happened. There were then able to deal with the child who was experiencing those emotions and pain from what happen in that vacation and have God take away the bad emotions and heal the wound inside this younger child part of her husband. After this experience, her husband no longer had this bad reaction when they would go on vacations.

The above was an example of a simple technique that works in some cases but not every situation is the same. Sometimes when a person has been ritually abused or there are very traumatic situations there can also be the demonic involved or there may be times that a part may never feel comfortable in certain situations. In these cases, we need to respect those parts and honor how they feel. You see these parts of a person’s soul are just as much human and deserving of respect as the main core of the person. Often times these parts are the ones who have carried the pain and painful memories for the person for a long time. They are not always the nicest but they have protected the main person from experiencing that pain on a daily basis by carrying it for them.

I have learned that sometimes these altars that I like to call littles inside me are very young and scared. They will often times experience a great deal of fear in places that have too many people. In the past, I would just stuff this fear and go anyway. Although there are times, I don’t have a choice. I am learning in this time of healing, there are times I do, and I need to listen to them and honor their desire to not be in those crowded places. One of my biggest struggles has been, I am a worshiper and I love to worship. Being up front in a crowd and leading worship or singing is not scary at all to me.

Honestly, most of my littles are cool with it too. One time I was leading worship for a retreat I had a little one come up and worship. Thankfully, only a few noticed my voice changed. However, if you stick me in the middle of that same crowded room, surrounded by people, my anxiety goes through the roof. Yeah… I know weird right.

DID I can look different in everyone. Some lose track of time when different parts come up. This is often times because parts do not share the same consciousness. There are also some people who most of their parts are co-conscious and even when different parts are at the surface the other parts get to know what is happening and see and hear too sometimes. For the most part, my alters are co-conscious. However, I do have some that do not know Jesus yet and are not co-conscious with the rest. Thankfully mostly these alters only come up during times I am getting healing or at night when I get attacked. I am a work in progress and Jesus is slowly one by one meeting each of these parts and getting them set free. As time goes on some of these parts become integrated together but some remain independent as I believe Jesus gives them each a free will to decide when they are ready.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

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