The heaviness of the recent events of the last couple weeks from the recent news of people coming forward with sexual abuse allegations against people in the public eye and also a leader in my circle of friends has been very triggering and painful to watch. Although I didn’t want to watch it, it was still all over social media and the news continuously reached me whether I wanted it to or not. Often times like many other survivors repressed memories of sexual abuse and ritual abuse can easily be triggered by things on social media as well as the news. It is hard or sometimes impossible to stop a memory from coming up. Like many others who have gone through trauma, each repressed memory is attached to a portion of my soul who was created through the trauma. These portions are called Alters and carry the memories, emotions, and a fully separate personality which remains in hiding in a place of captivity until they are triggered or come up through prayer.
Her name was Shadow, she was a 10-year old alter in our system and was to remain in the shadows and report things she heard back to the bad guys. After being heavily triggered by painful emotions of recent events in our nation, our friend Matt asked for the Lord to bring up any alters from inside who may have information about what we were dealing with. Quickly Shadow came up from deep inside and said, “I am not allowed to talk, only listen and report back.” She was hiding in the shadows inside us listening and reporting back to the bad guys’ everything she heard. She said she did this because that was what Grandma wanted her to do and if she didn’t she would get punished. With these words the following traumatic memory surfaced.
Trigger Warning: If you are triggered easily please skip the next two paragraphs.
Her Grandmother told her to go and play in the tool shed. As a child, this was one of her favorite places to play. There were outside toys and garden tools and all kinds of interesting trinkets and statues and decorations that were to be explored. She often-times found this place fascinating. However this time, Grandma closed the door and locked it. She told me we were playing a game where I had to stay inside and be quiet and listen carefully. At first, she was frightened but there was a light in there and quickly found herself fully immersed in her exploration of the toolshed and forgetting the world outside.
Using a table nearby she found an old-fashioned toy truck and began playing with great joy not aware that her Grandfather had just entered the shed. The next 10 minutes were painful but a bit of a blur as he whispered trigger words into her ear to cause her to go into a passive position in order to use her body for his purposes. She felt her body shifted she felt the pain of her head and face hitting the wall of the shed and yet no tears or cries were heard. The programming words “Sally, be silent” continued to play through her head as she lost all ability to cry or speak. It was as if with those words she was separated from her body and was taken inside into this silent place of hiding that she was found listening.
SHADOW TO SONSHINE:
As Matt prayed for freedom over her, the Lord came as the Lion of Judah into that hiding place with her and removed the programming that silenced her and the demonic that oppressed her. With this, the heavy emotions and anger began to surface. Slowly she began to cry for the first time in 30 years. Slowly the Lord released the truth that Jesus died and took our grief and sorrow on the cross so that we didn’t have to carry it and that she didn’t even have to make an effort to give it to him, but all she had to do was give him permission to take it and she would feel better. It was a slow process as at first, she didn’t want to let go. She needed and wanted time to process the pain and the anger of what had just happened. The feelings caused heavy pain inside including body memories that would surface over the next few days as slowly she gave the Lord permission to take it away, layer by layer and for the first time in 30 years she could speak and have a choice. He also gave her a new name, Sonshine.
It took a few nights for Sonshine to heal as sometimes it takes time for all the painful emotions and memories to calm down. During the night and when I fell asleep this little one would wake up crying or scared over and over again with memories and feelings of being attacked. Finally, around 2am, I was able to get her into a safe place with God that I could go back to sleep. That morning I woke up to a dream and although this dream was painful, I believe it is a commission as well as something that little Sonshine was doing in the spirit while I was sleeping.
She was running frantically all over the place and uncovering human remains of people that were buried in the ground. Some were hearts, some were lungs, some were livers and kidneys. Each time she began to weep over what she found. There was never a clear identity or a name to go with these organs but as she would weep she would begin to see their story and identity. As their spirit was still there in a place of silent captivity. When this happens one by one she began to speak life and hope to them.
Although she couldn’t prevent their suffering she could lead them to the Lion of Judah who would weep with them, roar over their injustice, set them free from their captivity, and take them away from their spiritual prisons. My heart rejoices because I realized, just like Sonshine, God is bringing hope to those who are hidden in silence and captivity. As I woke up, the Lord spoke into my heart that by sharing my story, not only do I get to experience deeper healing, but it brings hope and a voice to those who cannot.
Many have been deeply saddened by recent events with sexual abuse and people coming forward about sexual abuse that happened years ago. I purposely did not watch any of it because it is too triggering for me. However, I still heard many arguments back and forth related to the whole subject. I do not have an opinion to give on it because I purposely couldn’t go there. However, I will share this. I was abused at a very early age, and my abusers I believe also at one point were abused, I also know that when the abuse happened I was programmed to forget it. My first memory of sexual abuse happened at the age of 38. Can I provide physical evidence for my abuse? No. Can someone come out and say I am a liar? Yes and unfortunately some people sadly have. Does it change what I experienced? No, those memories were as real to me as the day I experienced it.
My reason for sharing about my abuse has nothing to do with exposing or shaming the people who abused me. My reason is to expose the darkness to the Light of God. Justice truly comes not in the punishment, but rather everytime someone gets set free from this darkness and it no longer has any power over them.
Every time, those who were once deeply woven into the darkness, expose it to the Light of God. It is like an explosion that removes its power not just over them, but also over what they have authority over. The Lion of Judah is roaring over His Creation. He has come to bring freedom to those who are captive. He is healing them from the inside out. He is reminding them of the powerful people they are.
I share this because I know there are so many who cannot share and many who do not even know or understand this journey. We can walk through this and be warriors and victors. I also believe those that chose to be vulnerable can be a voice and a sign that there is hope to those who can’t.
I would like to ask for your prayers and support as I begin to write and share my journey. If you would like to sow into seeing this story shared. We can use your prayers as well as financial support. As I am keeping my identity hidden for the safety of my family, I would encourage you to give to the person who has been working full-time with me as well as co-writing the book with me, Matt Evans.
Donations can be given through Matt Evans website: