Kingdom Within – Survivors Journey

There once was a girl who had many kingdoms deep inside. Her heart was filled with beauty and her joyful song brought hope to life. Yet deep inside this kingdom, another kingdom dwelt. A kingdom of darkness that was hidden well. The people of this kingdom dwelt deep inside her life. She didn’t know of its existence, yet something felt painful from deep inside.

No matter how hard she tried to smile and pray, the darkness still had a hold. She cried out for freedom, but yet she did not know this kingdom or its stronghold. For many years she worked hard to see the beauty of God’s goodness within. She walked in intimacy with her heavenly Father and her identity grew deep into Him. A deep peace came in these times, as healing came to layer after layer. God’s glory and His goodness showed great fruit in her life. Yet in His sweet gentle voice, her Heavenly Father would reveal, there was something deeper that had to be revealed.

Buried down in a deep well of darkness, parts of her screamed out to be heard. What this darkness contain were many young parts of her frozen in memories of great trauma and fear. The darkness was like a cloak, covered and locked where no one could see them inside. She didn’t know of its existence but slowly the Father began to allow it to be revealed. He said to her,

“My daughter, this is that deeper place I want to reveal. For the enemy has made it his stronghold for much too long, my dear. Every place there is a stronghold deep inside of you is a place where my Glory is about to breakthrough.

This isn’t going to be easy and it may be painful at times. Will you take this journey with me? Come and see, I have won your freedom and the enemy has no place he can hide. For these kingdoms of darkness have contained places where the enemy has had his reign. He has held your family in bondage and he thinks he has everything he needs to keep it contained. He has held birth rites and rituals over your family for centuries it has been well hidden so that no one could see.

This isn’t going to be a battle that will be fought in just a few hours or days. This is a war for victory for some it may take many years. Many will not understand this journey you’re about to go on, for it isn’t easy and there may be days where it will feel hard to move on. Yet as you hold on to me, you will see the Victory and I will make you strong.”

As the weeks went on my sleep turned from dreams of destiny to something dark and painful inside. For something was just revealed and it came to light. With it was memories of pain that I had no idea were inside and with them came parts of me that were focused on death and were on the enemies side. These parts were often young but fought at me with a great blow. Sometimes the witchcraft was so strong, they would take over my consciousness and leave me in the shadows. They sometimes held the memories that caused my thoughts to grow darker. Deep inside I cried, “Father, what is happening to me?” Yet in the midst of this darkness, I would hear His voice telling me I am becoming free.

With the help of the ones I love surrounding me on every side, slowly I saw the darkness fall away from their eyes and they discovered Jesus was there inside. Jesus and the Father would meet with them one by one. Sometimes he would set free many and sometimes he would fight long and hard just for the one.

Many questioned why I would allow this to continue. Why don’t you just shut those alters down, but slowly I learned these parts of me carries these wounds and the darkness so that I could continue to live well. They were the ones who were tortured and abused. They were the ones who were sent through rituals of rape and sodomy starting at the early age of two. Many were broken by the idea that they had no choice but to believe that they were created to be witches and monsters inside and in the spirit. They would go to places that many never even knew were there. They would perform rituals that made there life a living hell.

Many would ask me well how could this be you? You are a believer and you have the kingdom of God inside of you. Well yes, that is very true. I have been a Christian since I was 12 years old, but even in a believer, the darkness can still have its hold. Most of the people that are used in these rituals are not something we see in a physical realm but hidden in a realm where angels and demons dwell. It is there that they are used beyond what they know. For all this time, I was journeying with God, parts of me were working to bring darkness to this earth.

Yet, when Jesus began to meet with each and every part, he didn’t hold this against them, because He knew there destiny was still inside. Each part even the ones who were violent he would meet. Sometimes the fight would last for hours but when He came the demons had to flee. Gently He would come and show them the truth. As they walked through the memories the pain would come up from deep inside, sometimes my entire body would feel the pain that they carried, yet with it came a freedom and the structures were torn down and Jesus would dwell in those hidden places of my life. He would patiently sit with them and hold them together when it hurt so bad. Gently he is freeing me and they are seeing His Love is stronger than everything that is so bad.

If I shared every memory and every place that I have been, many couldn’t listen because of the deep pain they carry with them. However, it isn’t the memories that contain the story. It truly is the Victory and ability to see so many parts of me become free. For you see this journey isn’t just about me and God against the enemy. Many parts of me were trafficked both in the spirit and on the earth and many others are still needing set free.

Many think that for a Christian to have demons is a lie. However, I want you to know. Darkness is there and we are the ones who can bring the light. You see many think that you should focus on goodness only. We should turn our faces from the bad stuff and only bring God’s Glory. Well, I am here to tell you…We are here to bring His Glory and His Light, but if you’re not willing to go take it into the darkness then your not really building His Kingdom and you are not ready to fight. His kingdom isn’t just something that dwells on this physical earth. It dwells in the hearts of man and it dwells in the spirit and it is there where parts of us can be in captivity and help in darkness even while we dwell on this earth. For Isaiah 61 isn’t just about earthly jails and captivity it is about the places where parts of you need set free. This journey for me is about setting parts of me free, but it is also about healing the brokenness and setting many free.


Photo by Céderic Vandenberghe on Unsplash

Photo by Talles Alves on Unsplash


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A Gift Inside

This afternoon, after a long day of baking cookies with my kiddos, I attempted to take a long needed nap. Although my Body was ready to sleep, I became quite aware of a party going on inside with parts from my system. If you don’t know what I am talking about, please check out my first couple posts to understand what having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is like. (Here is one of those posts.)

Suddenly, I heard as clear as day the sounds of laughter and delights as I turned inward to see young littles (alters) dressed up in pretty Christmas colors and tinsel in their hair. Pumpkin was wearing silvery glitter in a ponytail and Cosmos was wearing red sparkly bows in her two little pigtails. Some of the older girls had comfy red and white PJs with fluffy white sweaters and red socks. Yet everyone was warm and happy and Papa God was having fun with his brand new red fluffy socks that there girls have given him.



The kids were all excited for today, yet I had no idea what was going on. As I turned my head to listen, I realized, in the garden of my heart, there was a Christmas Party going on. 

There was a warm Fire in the fireplace, and warm hot chocolate for everyone attending. There were kids opening Christmas presents, and others making presents for all their friends. Some had colorful paints and they were making pretty paintings. Others were decorating the trees in the garden and even decorating the Angels and the Lion. Kids were laughing and I could hear our Papa God laughing, too. Some of the girls were braiding the Lion’s mane with tinsel and ribbons and warm fluffy scarves. 

Little Cosmos who is 4 climbed on Papa’s lap where he was sitting with her quietly. Snuggling close into his arms, she whispered in his ear, “Is there a gift that could be given to my friends?”

The Father turned and said to her, “whatever your heart imagines, we can create together.” 

Suddenly we saw this beautiful gift coming together inside her imagination and mine. It was this beautiful ball, that was like an iridescent pearl but yet it bounced like rubber. The Glory of the King was contained inside and it shined like the northern lights with every color you could imagine it shined and danced.


It also did something amazing that I never saw anything like it in those world. If she would sing into it, it came alive with the beauty of each child. It was still the Glory of God inside it that shown through it but suddenly it was unique because the uniqueness of every child shined through it too. As each child held it and sang into it, it was like the ball would come alive, it released a sound and light that danced all the way to the stars and back. With if all creation responded and could dance too. Suddenly I realized this ball wasn’t just a toy or something pretty for us to look at. It was an instrument that carried the Father’s glory and our voice made it come alive, with the words and songs that each child carried. For as they sang there stories in song, it’s words were carried out, it not only created something beautiful, it released a sound that even the stars and God’s creation responded too. 

My heart rejoices with Cosmos at this amazing idea she had inside. Then the Father took her to the water, where beautiful jewels where contained inside. Putting her hands into the water and pulling up the stones below, the Father put his hands around hers, and something inside them formed and began to grow. Colors of Green, Red, Turquoise and Blue Of every shape and size, were created and made for every child, to be given this to them this Christmas Night. Some were really neat as she put them on strings and turned them into pretty jewelry. Yet when you held them in your hands, they would grow into something much larger to see. 

I then saw her ask Papa what could be done to give these gifts to her friends, He said he would give them, each one of those in need and with them came great warmth and healing  in what they sing. 

So this is our Christmas gift to you my friends, weather you are lonely or surrounded by family and friends. You are loved by the King and you are loved by us. May this gift from our heart be something you can experience in your hearts. His love, and His joy, and His creation does sing. Your voice is a part of it and it brings great joy in what He brings. So ask the Father if this gift is for you. It comes from his heart and our heart too. Close your eyes and open your hands, Sing a little song, and feel his warm hands. Look at what appears with your imagination and your song, it’s a beautiful dance that with the Father you can dance along. 

Merry Christmas to all. You are loved my friends!

A Whale of a Survivors Tale

What are tails?… Yes, they are a part of a whale, but a tale is also a picture of a story that can be true or false. I believe many tales or even fairy tales are stories that have been told over and over throughout history but oftentimes can get told differently depending on the perspective of the storyteller. I would like to share some recent revelation that has been on my heart in relation to perspectives on healing and redemption of survivors.

I have found recently, through my healing journey, that I have come to have a special love for the cult-loyal alters (sometimes called persecutor parts) inside the hearts of survivors of ritual abuse. You may ask, Why I would love someone who is connected to so much evil? Because, for one, I used to be a cult-loyal alter inside the heart of someone who loves God. I hated God, and I hated everyone inside our heart – including her. In fact, my name was Ender because I wanted to end her. I got freedom because someone chose to love me despite my programmed destructive desires and saw beyond my intentions to the heart of who I am – and they loved me enough to get me free.

For many survivors, the cult-loyal alters are the ones who are oftentimes treated like demons or like they are worthless. Truly however, these parts are deep, beautiful treasures who have suffered the most so the person on the surface could continue to live a normal life. They are deeply loved by the Father and oftentimes have amazing gifting.

img_1999Recently, a sweet friend who is a survivor shared a picture of this beautiful whale that a cult-loyal part inside her had painted. This image of the whale suddenly began a download from the Lord about her destiny (inside my friend) as well as that of others, including myself, who have walked similar journeys. She has given me permission to share this image as well as what I shared with her about the symbolism of these beautiful creatures:


The first story I was reminded of when she showed me her picture was one I read about a marine biologist and a humpback whale. The whale pushing her out to sea which was very painful because of his size and the barnacles that cut her skin. She had no choice but to follow it. She knew the whale didn’t want to kill her, but she also knew she couldn’t get away. Long story short, this whale was rescuing her from a very dangerous predator. If she had stayed in the water where they were or even swam away towards the boat, a very large, dangerous tiger shark would have probably had her for lunch. (Here is the original post)

I think this is a beautiful and yet sometimes painful picture of redemption. God will often times send help for situations we don’t understand. We can either fight against it or trust him even when it gets tough and painful. I don’t believe God is the author of – or even desires for us to suffer – pain. Yet, he knows that sometimes, what is needed is not always going to feel nice. I look at my own children: sometimes they put themselves in places that can be painful or dangerous, and even the process of getting them free can hurt a bit. Yet, I still do it. (All I can say is – Splinters in the feet, ouch!)


The Lord then began to speak to me about how this relates so much to the story of Jonah. Here was a man who was called by God to go and rescue a whole race of people who could symbolically be the same as the occult and my abusers. They had intentions of harming and hurting others, yet God sent Jonah to help them. He ran the other way. Who wouldn’t want to? I would like to propose that his running was deeper then just fear, but could have come out of a place of pain in facing what brought so much pain to his people. Yet, God loved them.

I see in the story of Jonah another story of redemption that doesn’t seem very pretty. Even when Jonah made choices to run away, God always provided a way for redemption though never forcing him to take it. Jonah asked for help, and He – always present – helped him. Yet, Jonah called the one thing God sent to rescue him “Sheol.” He looked at his salvation as something painful and terrible.

I do not believe God wanted Jonah to suffer, but I also believe God knew it would take a whale to rescue him from the depths of the sea, to deliver him back to where he needed to be.

So many of us who are survivors feel overwhelmed by the darkness of what is hidden inside. Many cannot face it or do not face it because it is too painful. Even the process of getting free can feel traumatizing. For that reason, many walk away and stuff it down, but they often times suffer physically, spiritually, and emotionally. They often see the way of getting free like the whale: Sheol. Don’t get me wrong… it can feel like it. But when we step back and see the bigger picture, we will see something bigger is happening.

I also look at how many people in the body of Christ will not even help survivors because it just seems too dangerous to face. They are also fighting the idea of facing those things that often come up internally along the way. Yet, I believe God is rescuing the Jonahs and sending whales to rescue those who are lost. Not just the Jonahs, but the Ninevites. So many survivors, internally, have cult-loyal alters as well as people in their family who are still connected to the occult – who seem like they only want to destroy or hurt people. Yet, God loves these people too. He is calling his Children to rise up out of that ocean of death and to be a part of redemption.

Sometimes, something that is good for us can feel or even look like hell. For example, I am a mom; those veggies are good for you, but can taste terrible to my kids. And, my hair in the morning, “Lord Jesus, help me!” It looks terrible and can be a pain in the butt, but I am thankful I have it. The enemy often twists our perceptions of what God is using to bring healing and redemption. Suddenly, our healing journey looks like Sheol and we run away from it.

As a survivor at the beginning, the idea of getting whole seemed hard and long and even, at times, impossible. The idea of rescuing and healing everyone inside seemed overwhelming. My idea back then of getting free was to get all the parts healed and integrated. I had no idea how different this journey would be. When my goal was to be whole and at peace, it seemed impossible. Yet, when I began to embrace this journey no matter how hard or long it was and to focus on the factor that I had many people inside, as well as other people I was connected to, and that I got to be a part of their redemption, discovering new things about us inside as well as the others, I slowly began to see it differently. This journey, no matter how hard it is and no matter how painful it can be at times, has been so worth it – not just for my redemption, but also for the redemption of the parts of people who have been in places of captivity due to their choices or their family’s choices. I have found that as we work through breaking agreement and rescuing parts, we have been dis-empowering these principalities, powers, and spiritual structures that are not just attached to me, but to many, including my abusers and a lot of God’s creation.

This goes right with Romans 8:18-25 AMP

For I consider [from the standpoint of faith] that the sufferings of the present life are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us! For [even the whole] creation [all nature] waits eagerly for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration and futility, not willingly [because of some intentional fault on its part], but by the will of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will also be freed from its bondage to decay [and gain entrance] into the glorious freedom of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been moaning together as in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only this, but we too, who have the first fruits of the Spirit [a joyful indication of the blessings to come], even we groan inwardly, as we wait eagerly for [the sign of] our adoption as sons—the redemption and transformation of our body [at the resurrection]. For in this hope we were saved [by faith]. But hope [the object of] which is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait eagerly for it with patience and composure.

Creation has been groaning for freedom from the torment it experiences from the choices men have made throughout history. Even look at the picture of the seas in Jonah. It was angry and working against man – because of Jonah’s choice.

If you are a survivor and you are working towards freedom…. Thank you. You are a warrior that many don’t see, but your work is powerful – not just for you, but for your family as well. You are making a difference for all creation. I want to encourage you, you are making a difference even when it seems painful and hard. Keep fighting and know that God is for you and not against you. He is preparing a table for you in the presence of the enemy.

If you are someone who is helping a survivor, you are doing the same, and the treasure and fruit of loving and supporting a survivor far outweighs the hard times. I am so thankful for the quiet ones who have stood beside me and many other of my survivor friends and have not given up the fight even when it got hard.

If you are interested in investing in my journey:

You can donate to this Go Fund Me.

Church Don’t Hide – Turn Darkness to Light

When a child is being abused by a sibling or family member in their immediate family and their family denies it because they love the accused too much too believe that the abuse is possible. Or sometimes the adults realize it might be true but are too scared to face it and would rather disassociate from it as well because it’s easier to pretend it never happened and silence the child’s pleas for help. What happens to these children. They oftentimes will disassociate to survive and learn to survive despite the abuse until someone is either caught or they grow up being deeply broken but sometimes not totally knowing why.

This is heart breaking but similar things are happening not just with survivors of sexual abuse but also ritual and mind control abuse and it doesn’t just happen in families but in our communities and church communities at large.

People are struggling but what they share sounds too much like a conspiracy theory and people completely will deny them and push them away rather then considering what they are saying.

Some people recognize that it does happen but when it happens to someone they know or love it gets too messy so it’s easier to love them at a distance and push them away for there own safety or even in some cases not believe them. This is sometimes as devastating and traumatic as the abuse itself and often leads to the person eventually not trusting anyone.

So many want to turn there heads away from anything that looks messy because they just don’t know how to handle it so they push it away and choose to focus on happy good things while

The survivors try to look at the goodness of God while continuing to be abused.

Yes we have a God that is Good and full of Goodness but that doesn’t mean He wants us to ignore the dark things in this world, especially when they are effecting the people around us. He wants us to bring Healing, Hope, and Freedom to them. But it requires being willing to get messy and see dark things not to glorify it or fear it but Rather to Bring the Power of God to break its power over people.

If we see someone sexually abusing a child in public, you better believe someone would come and kick the butt of the person doing it… Why is the church afraid of kicking the butt of the enemy all in the name of thinking destroying darkness is denying God’s goodness. It’s the exact opposite… It is like taking your treasures and burying them in the sand.

People wake up! God is Good and powerful and so are you… If the Power of God dwells inside of you… Take it into those dark places get your hands dirty. Some of those dark places are inside people inside your churches and communities that you say are just too messy to help. Some of those dark places are inside of you but you are too afraid to face because you think it would be denying the goodness of God to face your own areas that are too painful in messy. It’s easier to ignore them and pretend you have it all together. God longs to meet us in those dark places and so that His Power and Love can remove the fear, abuse, and darkness.

Don’t deny it… agree that it’s possible and then take a look at it with God. He had the answers and the Goodness we need to break the power of darkness!

Out of the Shadows


The heaviness of the recent events of the last couple weeks from the recent news of people coming forward with sexual abuse allegations against people in the public eye and also a leader in my circle of friends has been very triggering and painful to watch. Although I didn’t want to watch it, it was still all over social media and the news continuously reached me whether I wanted it to or not. Often times like many other survivors repressed memories of sexual abuse and ritual abuse can easily be triggered by things on social media as well as the news. It is hard or sometimes impossible to stop a memory from coming up. Like many others who have gone through trauma, each repressed memory is attached to a portion of my soul who was created through the trauma. These portions are called Alters and carry the memories, emotions, and a fully separate personality which remains in hiding in a place of captivity until they are triggered or come up through prayer.


Her name was Shadow, she was a 10-year old alter in our system and was to remain in the shadows and report things she heard back to the bad guys. After being heavily triggered by painful emotions of recent events in our nation, our friend Matt asked for the Lord to bring up any alters from inside who may have information about what we were dealing with. Quickly Shadow came up from deep inside and said, “I am not allowed to talk, only listen and report back.” She was hiding in the shadows inside us listening and reporting back to the bad guys’ everything she heard. She said she did this because that was what Grandma wanted her to do and if she didn’t she would get punished. With these words the following traumatic memory surfaced.

Trigger Warning:  If you are triggered easily please skip the next two paragraphs.


Her Grandmother told her to go and play in the tool shed. As a child, this was one of her favorite places to play. There were outside toys and garden tools and all kinds of interesting trinkets and statues and decorations that were to be explored. She often-times found this place fascinating. However this time, Grandma closed the door and locked it. She told me we were playing a game where I had to stay inside and be quiet and listen carefully. At first, she was frightened but there was a light in there and quickly found herself fully immersed in her exploration of the toolshed and forgetting the world outside.

Using a table nearby she found an old-fashioned toy truck and began playing with great joy not aware that her Grandfather had just entered the shed. The next 10 minutes were painful but a bit of a blur as he whispered trigger words into her ear to cause her to go into a passive position in order to use her body for his purposes. She felt her body shifted she felt the pain of her head and face hitting the wall of the shed and yet no tears or cries were heard. The programming words “Sally, be silent” continued to play through her head as she lost all ability to cry or speak. It was as if with those words she was separated from her body and was taken inside into this silent place of hiding that she was found listening.


As Matt prayed for freedom over her, the Lord came as the Lion of Judah into that hiding place with her and removed the programming that silenced her and the demonic that oppressed her. With this, the heavy emotions and anger began to surface. Slowly she began to cry for the first time in 30 years. Slowly the Lord released the truth that Jesus died and took our grief and sorrow on the cross so that we didn’t have to carry it and that she didn’t even have to make an effort to give it to him, but all she had to do was give him permission to take it and she would feel better. It was a slow process as at first, she didn’t want to let go. She needed and wanted time to process the pain and the anger of what had just happened. The feelings caused heavy pain inside including body memories that would surface over the next few days as slowly she gave the Lord permission to take it away, layer by layer and for the first time in 30 years she could speak and have a choice. He also gave her a new name, Sonshine.


It took a few nights for Sonshine to heal as sometimes it takes time for all the painful emotions and memories to calm down. During the night and when I fell asleep this little one would wake up crying or scared over and over again with memories and feelings of being attacked. Finally, around 2am, I was able to get her into a safe place with God that I could go back to sleep. That morning I woke up to a dream and although this dream was painful, I believe it is a commission as well as something that little Sonshine was doing in the spirit while I was sleeping.

She was running frantically all over the place and uncovering human remains of people that were buried in the ground. Some were hearts, some were lungs, some were livers and kidneys. Each time she began to weep over what she found. There was never a clear identity or a name to go with these organs but as she would weep she would begin to see their story and identity. As their spirit was still there in a place of silent captivity. When this happens one by one she began to speak life and hope to them.  

Although she couldn’t prevent their suffering she could lead them to the Lion of Judah who would weep with them, roar over their injustice, set them free from their captivity, and take them away from their spiritual prisons. My heart rejoices because I realized, just like Sonshine, God is bringing hope to those who are hidden in silence and captivity. As I woke up, the Lord spoke into my heart that by sharing my story, not only do I get to experience deeper healing, but it brings hope and a voice to those who cannot.

Many have been deeply saddened by recent events with sexual abuse and people coming forward about sexual abuse that happened years ago. I purposely did not watch any of it because it is too triggering for me. However, I still heard many arguments back and forth related to the whole subject. I do not have an opinion to give on it because I purposely couldn’t go there. However, I will share this. I was abused at a very early age, and my abusers I believe also at one point were abused, I also know that when the abuse happened I was programmed to forget it. My first memory of sexual abuse happened at the age of 38. Can I provide physical evidence for my abuse? No. Can someone come out and say I am a liar? Yes and unfortunately some people sadly have. Does it change what I experienced? No, those memories were as real to me as the day I experienced it.

My reason for sharing about my abuse has nothing to do with exposing or shaming the people who abused me. My reason is to expose the darkness to the Light of God. Justice truly comes not in the punishment, but rather everytime someone gets set free from this darkness and it no longer has any power over them.

Every time, those who were once deeply woven into the darkness, expose it to the Light of God. It is like an explosion that removes its power not just over them, but also over what they have authority over. The Lion of Judah is roaring over His Creation. He has come to bring freedom to those who are captive. He is healing them from the inside out. He is reminding them of the powerful people they are.

I share this because I know there are so many who cannot share and many who do not even know or understand this journey.  We can walk through this and be warriors and victors. I also believe those that chose to be vulnerable can be a voice and a sign that there is hope to those who can’t.

I would like to ask for your prayers and support as I begin to write and share my journey. If you would like to sow into seeing this story shared. We can use your prayers as well as financial support. As I am keeping my identity hidden for the safety of my family, I would encourage you to give to the person who has been working full-time with me as well as co-writing the book with me, Matt Evans.  

Donations can be given through Matt Evans website:

Helpful Suggestions:

Healing Captives in this world and that – Matt Evans



Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Photo by Ray Grau on Unsplash


Little Me- Story about DID

When someone is walking through a journey of healing from Ritual Abuse and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). There is often an inner conversation or meeting that goes on about different decisions. In most cases, people do not pay attention to this because the main presenting person has full control and can ignore those feelings of disagreement about something you’re about to do. In a typical person, this may be that day you go visit a new group of people and inside there is that voice that says…. “No, don’t go! They may not like you! Remember the last time?”

However, when someone has a more severe case of DID they will walk into a place that reminds them of something from their past and it will trigger parts under the surface to feel scared and afraid and in some case these parts will come to the surface and take control to get away from the situations that cause them fear. I kind of fall somewhere between those two, I have parts who really want to leave, but in most cases, my Spirit is strong enough and my main altars are strong enough to say, “No, we are staying, we will be fine.”

For years, I did this and ignored those inner voices just placing them as being fear or if ya want to put it in your good ol religious terms, the accuser of the brethren. However, more recently, I have learned in this time of healing that those parts of me really need to be heard and honored. This Story is an example of walking through one of those moments in my life.

Saturday Night Worship
I’ve been so missing corporate worship and fellowship so tonight I decided to visit a local church that meets Saturday night. This church is definitely not your typical church. People smoke vapes during service and they hang out till midnight. Lots of the unwanted or rejected come to this place and find a family. The pastor has a heart for people like this and will oftentimes one by one disciple them and love on them. Sometimes the people he meets, he first connects with them in the local bars or even when he runs security at some places that are not so highly looked upon by other churches. These are the places he goes because these are the people that truly need Jesus. So I have a lot of respect for the guy and his heart for our city.

Tonight, I came with high expectations of worshiping Jesus with some crazy fun worshipers. As worship started I really enjoyed the first song and began to step in and sing in the spirit, yet some of the littles inside me (younger alters) became scared and triggered by the noise and how crowded the room was. Me (Ember) as the presenter wanted to ignore it and just worship anyway, but I felt the Lord gently speak that I needed to honor the ones inside that felt uncomfortable. I then felt this really strong desire to go sit outside, I knew it was from God. This church was riverfront across from a city. Walking out I saw a swing right in front of the river and was drawn there.

Climbing onto this swing made me feel like a kid because my short legs barely touched the ground. I felt the sweet cool breeze hit my face as suddenly the Father opened a beautiful gift before me. Exploding lights of red, white, and blue illuminated the sky and river below. It felt like it was just given to this audience of me and His little ones. The little one who was so afraid inside grew excited as we watched the beautiful fireworks from the nearby baseball game at the island nearby. As we all enjoyed this show, I heard Father’s soft voice reminding me of how much more I have enjoyed just those worship times with him in my quiet place and that this is exactly His favorite times with me. “One on One, Just you and Me, that is my favorite time with you, it is your gift to me.” Honestly, I am realizing, those are my favorite times with Him too. Suddenly, I no longer felt disappointed about leaving but a great sense of peace knowing that my Father was enjoying this time with me even more and all the little ones were too as there Heavenly Father had given us something special to enjoy with Him tonight.

A Little Bit More about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)
I have learned that in each of us are parts (littles, altars, and/or fragments) that come from those moments in our lives where something happened that caused our hearts to break or when we experience trauma. There are several places in scripture that talks about this. For example in Isaiah 61, it talks about binding up the broken-hearted. This Broken Heart can also be interpreted to say, Shabar or to shatter. I don’t believe you have to be a victim of abuse to experience this shattering of the heart. Often time the world moves on and doesn’t even recognize they had this happen. To a typical person, it looks like a sudden fear response to something that caused you trauma in the past. For example, some people have fear responses to dogs, water, elevators, thunder. Often times when someone is around those things that caused trauma in the past they will disassociate and not even know it. Sometimes it looks like a fight or flight reflex where the person may run from what they fear, or they may jump, or have an angry reaction towards the situation or act differently than normal.

A friend of mine gave a great example of someone who every year when her family would go on vacation, her husband would start acting bratty like a grumpy kid. He would get very short tempered and oftentimes would be miserable the entire vacation. After several years of this, she finally asked the Lord for insight and healing. God gave her insight to ask him to allow the Lord to show him where this started. As he did the Lord brought him back to a vacation while he was a child where they had a really bad vacation and something really bad happened. There were then able to deal with the child who was experiencing those emotions and pain from what happen in that vacation and have God take away the bad emotions and heal the wound inside this younger child part of her husband. After this experience, her husband no longer had this bad reaction when they would go on vacations.

The above was an example of a simple technique that works in some cases but not every situation is the same. Sometimes when a person has been ritually abused or there are very traumatic situations there can also be the demonic involved or there may be times that a part may never feel comfortable in certain situations. In these cases, we need to respect those parts and honor how they feel. You see these parts of a person’s soul are just as much human and deserving of respect as the main core of the person. Often times these parts are the ones who have carried the pain and painful memories for the person for a long time. They are not always the nicest but they have protected the main person from experiencing that pain on a daily basis by carrying it for them.

I have learned that sometimes these altars that I like to call littles inside me are very young and scared. They will often times experience a great deal of fear in places that have too many people. In the past, I would just stuff this fear and go anyway. Although there are times, I don’t have a choice. I am learning in this time of healing, there are times I do, and I need to listen to them and honor their desire to not be in those crowded places. One of my biggest struggles has been, I am a worshiper and I love to worship. Being up front in a crowd and leading worship or singing is not scary at all to me.

Honestly, most of my littles are cool with it too. One time I was leading worship for a retreat I had a little one come up and worship. Thankfully, only a few noticed my voice changed. However, if you stick me in the middle of that same crowded room, surrounded by people, my anxiety goes through the roof. Yeah… I know weird right.

DID I can look different in everyone. Some lose track of time when different parts come up. This is often times because parts do not share the same consciousness. There are also some people who most of their parts are co-conscious and even when different parts are at the surface the other parts get to know what is happening and see and hear too sometimes. For the most part, my alters are co-conscious. However, I do have some that do not know Jesus yet and are not co-conscious with the rest. Thankfully mostly these alters only come up during times I am getting healing or at night when I get attacked. I am a work in progress and Jesus is slowly one by one meeting each of these parts and getting them set free. As time goes on some of these parts become integrated together but some remain independent as I believe Jesus gives them each a free will to decide when they are ready.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

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